Sojourner

Lament

2009-03-01T08:08:17Z

The choice was mine, and mine completely
I could have any prize that I desired
I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire
Or else, or else I could choose time

Remember I was very young then
And a year was forever and a day
So what use could fifty, sixty, seventy be?
I saw the lights, and I was on my way

And how I lived, how they shone
But how soon the lights were gone.

October 23, 2008 - Scared of Words

2008-10-23T04:11:31Z

I've been avoiding pen and paper.

Everytime I try to write down what I think would be lyrics, I write something else instead. And though it comes from my heart, it isn't meant to be shared just yet.

But my hand itches and I have to write.

And I don't want to write because it scares me.

So I distract myself by concentrating on others.

Mirror and Hollywood are going to talk.

I hope it'll work because he so very much needs it to.

After everything that's happened the last few weeks, it's silly to think that paper is the scariest thing I face right now, isn't it?

September 1, 2008 - The Don't Care Olympics

2008-09-02T03:37:42Z

I was working through my closet, looking at my black dresses when I got another response on the whole Miriam is/isn't a Seer/Evil/Troublesome deal from Felix. Apparently in my latest response, my time is off. Living in 25 timelines in the last two months or so will do that to a person.

When I shared your words with Miriam, because they did not match what she told me, her response was:

"She's being untruthful. I told her in May."

Tell me, Sojourner... why would you claim that you only learned of Miriam's past, her family, and her affiliation in the last four weeks?

I guess typing 'because I don't care' would go over poorly? Tome told her ages ago to just get the truth out and I agreed with him and she didn't and now it's becoming obnoxious. This matter started off very simple and they've complicated it for no reason.

When I wrote:

Tome is a well-regarded member of the Vox Draconis. He speaks on Miriam's behalf and as such, he is perhaps the best person to speak to in regards to her position within the Order.

The response I got from Felix was:

Passing the buck again? I'm very disappointed in you.

This matters..why? I'm not the point, Miriam is the point. Tome vouching for Miriam is the point. I trust Tome therefore I did nothing in regards to Miriam. She's either gonna figure out how to settle her own issues or she's not.

I picked the black dress with lace, Gabriel would've liked it. I'm not sure of what I'm gonna do at Halloween this year, it'll be my first one without him since I was what..six?..

I need to go to the blood bank tomorrow, I should get my contacts to go too and for them to get their friends, with Gustav hitting shore the Red Cross is going to be short..

Tripp and I are going to have to have it out this week. He can't keep doing this to me. He needs to stop trying to manage my life behind my back. And he needs to drop the marriage proposal, I don't have time for this silliness...

Damn, forgot to call Hollywood tonight, I'll do it tomorrow..

July 14, 2008 - That 'Fun' Thing

2008-07-15T04:41:47Z

"It's so hard being a Mastermind!" I sipped my soda as I tried to think of yet another way to hone in on what I was trying to say....

My first attempt:

"Okay.. there is one thing I'm curious about. Titles."

"Oh? You prefer we use them now?"

I usually find that when I engage in what I like to call the 'spiral model' of thought, I can get most people to follow where I want to go. Starting big with a subject and then sort of circling around and narrowing in on the bullseye can be incredibly effective. Unless you're talking to another Acanthus. He hit the nail directly on the head and of course that had me jump off course. I suddenly felt like I was asking for too much so I tried a different tact.

My second attempt:

"Well... there's nothing wrong with definitions.. right?"

"Definitions? No, Titles and their assumed authority allow a social interaction that is quicker, easier, and sets certain predefined expectations. Every single mature social organization uses them in some form."

Mature. Yes.. that's something I'm quite far from. Fine. I'll try to get him to zig instead of zag.

My third attempt:

"Alright.. so.. whichever.. thoughts?" Would you believe that some people admire my verbosity and eloquence? I wouldn't either.

"They are useful, even advantageous as long as they do not become part of the unnecessary bureaucracy."

I nodded, "Mmhmmmm...?" Come on you totally know what I'm getting at here.

"Maybe you should tell me what your actual question is...?"

Sigh.

Why am I trying to manipulate this man? I'm absolutely lousy at it. We both know what I'm playing at. God, why am I 'playing'?

"It's so hard being a Mastermind!" I sipped my soda as I tried to think of yet another way to hone in on what I was trying to say....And yet not sound like I'm whining at the same time.

"You need more minions, I think." His tone was dry and absolutely not. helpful. Damn his patience.

"Okay, fine." I took a sip of cola and tried not to turn completely red as I attempted to convey my thoughts, "Well.. we have a.. thing, you know? And people in.. situations similar to ours, in some fashion, have... better words than.. you know.. 'thing'. And then sometimes when they refer to each other.. they may say certain things..that of course aren't...'things'..."

Yes. Eloquence. Verbosity. The Oracles would weep if they weren't too busy laughing.

"Okay, you lost me on that one. Either you are talking about the Oracles or you want to be my girlfriend."

Gods! Get out of my head?!
"Am I allowed to shove you off the balcony?"

"Without a doubt."

I kicked his shin, "You know exactly what I'm saying!"

"Of course, but sometimes a guy likes to hear it plain."

"Ahem. Okay.. um.. well, don't you think terms like 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend' are too high school for grown adults like us?"

“Absolutely, and I love to use them for that reason."

If I didn't love the man, I would kill him.

"I see." I took a breath, "Alright, Eric. I'm.. " in love with you, "...well.. yes, I like you very much and I." love you "...enjoy your company and you make my life a lot more interesting than it has a right to be. So, would you like to be my.. boyfriend?"

"I would love that." There's the word I'm so fond of nowadays.

"Did you enjoy watching me struggle with the asking?"

"No, but I loved listening to you say it." There it is again. Someone please stop me before I scribble initials all over my notebook.

******

So this is that 'fun' thing people like to talk about. Getting dressed up to the nines (tens, and elevens!); getting picked up by the handsome boyfriend (yes, boyfriend!) in a car so expensive I can't even afford to pronounce it's name; having a night out on the town where for once you don't care about the paparazzi and you get into the VIP section of the VIP section.. It's just a wonderful way to enjoy the evening.

*****

"Well..okay. I'm sure you've figured out I've got all sorts of issues and stuff, if I haven't shared them directly already so I'm incredibly wigged out even as I'm pleased to hear it. I wish I could drink." I sighed and sipped at the soda again. I did sneak in a few slips of a delicious Mai Tai earlier but I didn't want to push it.

"Yes, but that is why I love being with you - you haven't lost what makes you human. Being bulletproof or unassailable is the easy part. Being human again is the really tough one."

Now I think he's using that word on purpose. That is totally not fair.

I actually muttered aloud, "There's that word again.." Love. I put my hand on his forehead, "Are you alright, how do you feel?"

"Tired, worn out, and shaky." I knew it!

I frowned, "Really? I can easily call the car and we can head back if you're not feeling well."

"No, its fine. It will pass. The physical therapy from the coma is not as easy as I can make it look."

I plucked the drink from his hands, "Dehydration probably won't help." I stole one tiny sip and then slid it across the table, away from us.

He laughed and stole my soda, "You're probably right."

Of course I am. I'm very good at taking care of other people. And I swear I'm trying not to be a hypocrite about it.

***
"Oh, and the next time you see Tripp, reassure him that I'm not pregnant, please."

He choked as he inhaled a bit of his drink. "He thinks what?"

I burst into laughter, "He thinks I'm pregnant." I couldn't help giggling while he dried himself off.

"You know, that's not even funny. I see to many magic babies for my own taste already."

Haven't we all?

*****

We continued to talk through the evening but my attention was especially caught when he said, "....But I think I finally know what I have to do."

"Be all that you can be? Like in the Army commercials?" I smiled.

"Yes, that is a way to put it. Be what I was meant to be - exactly who I am. Stop worrying about a history that is long gone or a destiny that may never come."

That is all I seem to do nowadays, isn't it? I don't focus on the present, well..not for myself. I wear myself down. I wear myself out. It doesn't have to be this way.

I didn't want to mess up my make-up so I grabbed a napkin and dabbed at my eyes.

"What is on your mind?" Why on earth he tries to follow the crazy path my mind sets in my wake I'll never know.

I concentrated on folding the napkin just so, "You have this uncanny knack of making things that seem very complicated to me sound very easy. And things that should be simple in my head get complicated."

"Perhaps that will be my legacy. A sort of opposite-day power."

It made me laugh, "Do you know how disconcerting it is for me to realize that the more you talk about things like morality and power and such, the more I fall just a teeny bit in love with you." I showed him the tiny space between my thumb and forefinger, then rambled on before I thought of the implications of what I'd just said,"It's disconcerting. I need you to be shallow for a few minutes."

He stopped and looked me in the eyes. And then said, "Want to back to my place for some casual sex?"

I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard, "Absolutely."

"Fantastic."

****

And that was hands down one of the best evenings I can remember in ages. Well, since a certain someone asked me to stay with them, of course.

July 8, 2008 - Lost in Thoughts

2008-07-08T16:39:40Z

That didn’t go anywhere near the way I thought it would. Which I guess is a good thing. No, it’s a very good thing. I’m completely in my own way right now and it’s sort of making me crazy.

I guess after the last few weeks, going crazy may be a relief.

'Queen Tower – Sky'

When I got the text message, I could feel my heart in my throat. Relief washed over me swiftly followed by fear. I felt both elated and defeated at once. What on earth was I going to do? What on earth was he going to say? How on earth would I be able to tell him?

Maybe I wouldn’t have to, I thought. Maybe when I get there, he’ll be nice and polite but different. Maybe Fate changed things for him and the relationship would have to change. We’ve never been terribly romantic, just…affectionately practical. So it wouldn’t be a huge shift, right?

When I arrived at the Tower, I noticed that the weather was shifting. It began to rain just as I got inside the building. When I arrived on top of the roof minutes later, practically shaking in anticipation, I stepped out and I saw him. He looked well if not older, rumpled, calm. When he saw me, he got lightly to his feet and walked to me, standing just a foot away.

I couldn’t help but stare. He was alive and well and moving. I smiled and looked him over head to toe. I couldn’t speak.

“You have no idea how much I missed seeing you.”

Ten words that completely ruined me. He wasn’t going to back out of this. If anything, he looked more sure than ever. I am a complete coward. And even worse, I am completely in love with him. I could see Lakshmi’s hand all over this: Always what you want in the worse way possible.

I made him talk so I could just focus on him but he kept trying to swing the conversation back to me and I didn’t want to talk. I was afraid of what I’d say and how I’d say it. His ability to calm and disarm me would have been wonderful on any other day but this one.

“The truth is, I really want you to stay tonight. Just here, with me. Being in a coma is like being alone in a pool. I don’t want to be alone much at all."

How could I say no? I didn’t even think of it, "Of course I'll stay. Maybe I should cook for you?"

The idea of having something to do made me feel better. I threw myself into the discussion discussing the menu. I’m not sure how distracted I looked because he stopped and took my hands, “What is wrong?"

For some reason, I was completely unprepared for his persistence. I felt my hands grasp his more solidly and I finally admitted, “I'm sorry. My head is a very ugly place right now. I'm very...out of sorts. But I'm genuinely happy that you're here."

"I am pretty happy too. But if you aren't in the mood, we can always reschedule."

Out of nowhere, panic set in. I felt my heart drop and I’m sure I sounded like I was completely about to lose it, “No. I want to do this for you.” He was watching me very, very closely.

“Let’s stop for a moment.” He went to the couch. “Let’s talk a little.”

For the first time since knowing him, I didn’t want to share. But I knew I had to. Not everything but just enough. I’m moody and exhausted and I was sick. I tried not to focus on how being sick freaked me the hell out, I just focused on the fact that all of this going on at once was not helping. Nightmares at night. Keri’s head during the day. My own stupid limitations, not to mention not having him around to help keep me from being a complete raving lunatic… I caved a little but I didn’t burst into tears or anything, so progress, right?

So again, I hedged, "If something more substantial than a coma happens to you, Eric. I do not know what I'm going to do."

"Well, it’s not in the day timer, so I don’t see it happening. I am way, way too likable to get killed at this point."

"Ah. Well…that's good to know." I said faintly.

"I do not mean to make light of your emotions, but anything else would be a hollow 'I promise not to leave.' I will tell you this - I am determined to stick with you for the long run and it seems pretty damn right to me."

Promise is a four-letter word. I eventually got him to settle for playing things by ear. I did not want to make any promises I couldn’t keep. I wanted to latch onto the positive, but it was very hard. So I chose to just focus on the now. Or rather, the then.

At least I didn’t have any nightmares last night. That’s a good thing. I’m going to stay just a few more days here and then I’m going to do some last minute work with Keri.

And then I'm going to sit in a Faerie Glen indefinitely until I got this Depression into some semblance of control.

In the back of my mind, I could hear the voice calmly explaining the side effects, including anxiety and depression.

23 days to go and it won’t be as bad.

I know it.

I’ll make sure to keep sharp objects out of your way.

Shut up, Sheridan.

July 4th, 2008. A Midnight Conversation

2008-07-04T16:15:35Z

If things were going to change, I wanted to be ready for them and I don’t want to regret anything along the way. So once I returned from the Spire and did some work with Keri, I called Tripp and invited him over for coffee. Only as I spoke did I realize it was midnight, which probably wasn’t really coffee time, but he agreed to come and visit. It was his house after all.

I opened the door, "Hey! Welcome home! I've got three types of coffee brewing, unless you'd rather have tea or cappuccino or something fancier?"

He arched a brow. "What is currently brewing will be fine.” Wonderful, he’s already suspicious.

I nodded and went into the kitchen. "Good, good!" I poured the coffee, a little wound up. "Are you hungry? Would you like cake? Cookies?"

"I'm fine."

I brought his coffee prepared just the way he liked it and sat with him, "Alright great." I smiled, "So..what's happening in the real world?"

He took a sip. Paused. Then put down the coffee, put one hand over mine, sort of freaking me out before he responded, "In the real world, we're concerned about you and Keri".

I almost pulled my hand from beneath his but when his words sunk in, I knew I was frowning, "How do you mean? Oh! You mean her progress? I think she's doing… pretty well. I think she's learning discernment."

He reached down, and pulled a newspaper out of his bag. He slid it toward me. "It is now a few minutes past midnight on July 4th, 2008. You'll want to reorient yourself when you get a chance." Fuck, I thought as he continued, "Okay, discernment. This is good. And how is this on you?"

I watched him, not quite sure of how to answer that. "How do you mean?"

"You're pouring yourself fully into this, and that can't be good for you in the long run. Plus you're clearly addled. I don't know if it's some Acanthus thing or something else."

Addled?

Sigh.

I laughed a little, "Oh you know me, I'm tougher than I look! I'm just worried about Hollywood, in my spare time. But I'm alright where Keri is concerned. I think being in the mind of The Mad has given me perspective where she's concerned. Meaning… it's not the most horrible thing I've seen." See, silver lining.

He frowned, "Pin." He continued "Hollywood?"

I countered, "Pin?"

"Mental exercise, short for 'Put a Pin in that'. It reminds me to come back to something important. I learned it in one of my seminars."

I nodded in understanding.

"Okay. What's going on with Hollywood"

"He's still in a coma."

"Oh. What's the prognosis?"

...Indefinate coma...
...Massive oxidative damage...
...Late onset idiopathic progeria...

"The prognosis is wretched. I hope it's just how the doctor's are interpreting what happened to him." I know I looked very concerned but I couldn’t help it.

"Hindsight being what it is...I don't want you or anyone else doing dangerous magics without using a demense. This is why I decided to..." He paused..."I know you disagree...but someone has to take the hit."

I focused on him, "So you're ready to have that argument now?" Versus when the subject first came up in the first place.

He exhaled, "I don't suppose I could say something cute, buy you a diamond, and you will let this go?"

"It's. Your. Soul."

"There's not much to argue there. I won't insult you by using the line the Guardians always give..." He paused, “I don't like it any more than you, but it is necessary right now. One day soon, it won't be...Then we will be good."

I watched him. I didn’t want to fight tonight. And I was too tired to climb onto my high horse, so I just nodded, “There's not anything I can say that's going to change this. I'm worried for you. But you know what you're doing. So, I'll just thank you for letting me use your home."

"That's fair. It's good to be reminded from time to time that you are living in sin. Things will be better soon, I promise!" He smiled and winked.

"Living in sin?" I smiled, curious.

"Well, it sounded better in my head." He smiled again and reached for my hands to hold them in his, nearly freaking me out again. "Is there anything else going on? You seem out of it..."

I knew he could feel me hesitate but I smiled, "It's hard living in more than one timeline at the same time. Once all of this is over and I've done the best that I can do and everyone is up and about and safe. I'll feel a little better." Oh and if he catches the flu, I’m going to feel horrible.

"I think I understand. Well, read up on current events, and give me a call if you need anything." He stood up, "I really appreciate all this. Keri, Hollywood. Heck, even taking time to lecture me..."

There was something about his tone. I looked at him with a bit of a frown, "How are YOU doing?"

He sat back down. "Truthfully? I'm doing what I need to do, looking for the silver lining on the myriad of storm clouds in my life."

"Would you like to talk about it?" Maybe this is what it's all truly about. He needs a friend.

"Do you have the time?"

"For you? I have all the time in the world."

He chuckled and proceeded to share his thoughts with me, about his order, the consilium, his legacy, even his family and how much he enjoys going to work because he’s at least in complete control of that. It was nice to sit there and hear him speak without some of the artifice he slips into when he’s being the Hierarch. I missed him. He was like a big brother to me, an incredibly over-protective, completely non P.C., pyromaniacal big brother.

He stopped and looked at me, "Errrr. So, yeah. Just a few things."

"That's it?" I smiled gently.

"Ehhh. The market is down, sort of the cherry on top of my metaphysical sundae but yeah, more or less."

I nodded, watching him carefully. "Okay, do you feel better?"

“Yeah. Sometimes you have to blow off a little steam.” He smirked at the pun.

I would never admit it, but I love it when he does that, "Exactly." I said and grinned.

"Maybe I will go down to the gun club. Squeezing off a few rounds always helps too."

I blinked, "If that helps... simulating shooting people-shaped targets...sure!"

He laughed, "Well, sort of. Mostly, I like just sipping some whiskey and talking with the guys. Heh.”

"Of course. You like… being rich."

"If you're going to do something...do it well!"

I laughed again, it felt so nice! "Good. As for your personal life, well, I'd make a comment but then you'd feel like you could get all up in my personal life and then it's just silly. So I just want you to know that I just wish you happiness however you can find it." I was terribly serious about that. The next few years were probably going to be hard.

"I need a reason to get up into your personal life?" He smirked again, “Fair game, darlin’, fair game. So, who are you...friends...with now?"

"Oh if you don't know, I don't see a reason to tell you."

"Help a guy out. It's hard to keep track of the men in your life..."

He’s crazy. "Do you think I'm a complete slut?"

He smiled, “Nah. But I do think you wear your heart on your sleeve."

"It's the best man-repellent." I nodded sagely.

“True. Start talking about emotions and shit...Or worse, start cooing over babies or leave a 'baby-name' book out....It's like magic."

I laughed, "Yup. So, there you go."

"You're avoiding the question. Who and for how long?" I knew he knew but if it makes him feel better..

I made a face, "Hollywood and maybe only a few weeks. Though I don't know about now." I had a bad dream last night.

"Ah. I suspected, but wasn't sure." He smiled, “He'll be fine." What? No lecture? No threats? Hmm...

"Oh..yeah. I know he will. Probably any day now, he'll wake up."

"Good. Well...Anything else?"

Again, I was suspicious, "What...do you mean?"

"Wha..?" He widens his eyes at her curious statement..."You're pregnant!!! I knew you were hiding something from me!"

I think I stopped breathing for a moment in complete shock and then I began to laugh. I laughed so hard, tears came to my eyes. Let’s focus on the comedy and not the tragedy here. "I'm not pregnant."

He smirked, “Ehhh. Usually it works, and the thing that the other person has been holding back comes out. Not this time. You're too wily..."

I giggled, "Or you're too suspicious!"

"Possibly. I never understood women. And Time. And Fate. So you can imagine, you absolutely drive me nuts."

"It's a trifecta of trouble for you! I don't know how you handle it as well as you do."

“I go home every night and lock myself in my bedroom while blaring The Cure and crying into my pillow.” His tone was completely deadpan.

I snickered, "That sounds… traumatic."

"I wouldn't know. But when I was on the Mickey Mouse Club, rumor on the set is that was how Justin managed...but I'm not saying anything specific, you know..."

I love this man. "What?!" I couldn’t stop laughing.

He grinned, got up and walked over to me. He leaned in and kissed me gently on the forehead. I could feel myself tearing up at the uncommon display of tenderness. He must be incredibly worried about me, "I have to get going. Call if you need anything."

If only things were different.

"Sure!" I smiled. "Bye, Tripp!"

He left.

I sat and finished my coffee and then cleaned the kitchen and headed for bed, being sure to take two doses of Nyquil. I wanted to be sure I was asleep with the Life spell faded or else I would be up all night hacking and such.

I hate the flu.

I hate July.

Then again, this may be the best July ever. At least I’m too busy to sit around and sink into memories and regrets.

Silver lining.

To a very dark and heavy cloud.

June 29, 2008 - Under the Weather

2008-07-01T04:50:41Z

Flowing Azure rubbed my back as we entered my room in the Spire and I could feel my symptoms alleviate. The advantage of having a Thyrsus for an apprentice is a ready supply of comfort and warmth. His eyes were kind as he hugged me gently and bade me good night.

I took a deep breath, glad to not hear my lungs rustle in response. The flu. Years of absolutely perfect health and suddenly I get hit with the flu. It couldn’t be more obvious a warning sign. I’ve got to do some long term planning. And when I return to Atlanta, I need to make a doctor’s appointment. I know he can’t do anything about the virus but maybe he can prescribe an overly enthusiastic cough medicine.

Mmm..Codeine. I almost miss it.

Some things I don’t miss, such as hearing my heartbeat pounding in my eardrums. That I can do without.

Blah, I got too used to all the magic, which is probably a very, very bad thing.

I do have enough Life to make sure that this doesn’t get out of hand, though. So that’s good.

If only managing everything else was as easy.

Asha thinks going back and forth in the time streams is a bad thing and I’m starting to agree with her. But if I don’t do everything humanly possible to help Keri, I’m afraid I’ll always be wondering if I did enough. I’m more than willing to take the chance if Keri is whole when I’m done.

Skeleton Key is no longer my apprentice, I think Mr. Anderson wished otherwise but things can't be helped. I don't have the time and the patience for someone to do less than their best right now.

One is asking questions but I'm not sure he really wants the answers or why the Guardians all seem to be running a one man show. It's a little frustrating.

And finally, Eric is on my mind whenever I give myself five minutes to breathe.

Lakshmi is about to make another move and I am so ill-prepared for it.

God, July 13th is just around the corner.

I think I'm going to be sick.

June 25, 2008 - Slow and Steady

2008-06-26T00:15:00Z

I decided that hovering wasn’t going to help. This would be the first and maybe only time I come to see him this week. Watching him lie so still just tugs at me. I feel so much every time I cross the threshold into his room. The impersonal medical equipment in his room looked entirely out of place. There was a slight hum in the room, the sound of electricity behind the beeps of the machine that sang his heartbeat.

I nodded to Mirror and came to sit next to him and to take his hand in mine. Again I studied his hands and half frowned as I looked at his nails. A strange sign of passing. They were longer, not as well manicured as he liked to keep them. Then again, he was slightly different all over. It’s very subtle, unless you look for it.

He’s older. Not drastically, I don’t think. But it’s there. He’s aged. I can see the faint traces of Time stamped on him. This wasn’t exactly new. This probably happened the moment the paradox hit him but I’ve been too blind to really see it till now.

I slipped out of the chair and sat very gingerly on the bed beside him. I leaned slowly over him, careful to brace myself with my hands on either side of him as I examined him closely. Yes.. here and there.. the lines around his eyes would probably be a little deeper.

I took a slow breath and kissed his forehead before I gently pressed mine to it. I spoke softly, “Eric. I know you’re healing. And I know any day now you’ll open your eyes and you’ll be okay. I just know it. So… enjoy this well-earned rest. And when you’re ready, come back to us, alright?”

I watched him for a moment longer and then shifted and laid my head against his chest to hear his heartbeat. I tuned out the mechanical beeping nearby to just focus on him. It was steady. Slow and steady.

I’m not sure how long later, I stood up and rearranged the covers around him carefully. I touched his brow and cheek lightly and then I stepped back, slipping my hands into the back pockets of my jeans. I had to return to Keri. We were going to be gone for another week even though only a few days would actually be passing.

I looked back over at Mirror and repeated the words I always say when I head out. I remind her to call me if there’s a change. Or even to leave a message if I don’t answer. To make sure Eric gets the letter I wrote to him a few weeks ago. If he happens to wake up before I can make it back.

She nods and her eyes go back to him. The Bodyguard ever watchful.

I made my way out of the penthouse and into the elevator where I collapsed against the wall, allowing it to hold me up for a few minutes until I reached the lobby. Straightening, I left the building into the sweltering summer evening and got into my car. The Pink Rollerskate, I like to call it.

I sat there, letting the heat sink into me until I knew I had to get back. I didn’t want to leave Keri alone too long, conscious or not. I revved up the car and headed back to Tripp’s. I didn’t turn on the radio like I normally did. Instead, I let the silence of the car surround me. It seemed fitting with my mood.

June 19, 2008 - Hanging. On. By. A. Thread.

2008-06-24T01:09:21Z

"Sojourner: Who, according to you, is a heartless politician and knows nothing of sacrifice, pain, death, empathy, or justice."

I signed that email and sent it before I took the time to really think about it. There is nothing more maddening to me than accusation without information. Especially while I'm in the midst of trying to put a person back together. A person whose mind has been dismantled, disabled, and virtually destroyed in the name of Mission. And Sacrifice. And all of that other noble shit that's capitalized and sentence-ized. Without the thought of what comes before and after those concepts are done.

Who am I to judge? I'm a fucking Admired member of the damned Vox Draconis whom everyone is quick to lay the pains and burdens of Wisdom at my feet. Yet are even fucking faster to ignore, patronize, or revile me.

Cameron's favourite line, "I admire and revere your Wisdom."

My automatic response, "Then why don't you LISTEN to me?"

His automatic response, "Because I do what I must to protect you."

Then I try to explain the concept of how the Wise don't want to lose their protectors to Hubris because..um..hi, who's gonna protect us?!

And he explains the concept of how it'll all work out when the stupid magical baby jesus arrives, except he doesn't say 'magical baby jesus' he just alludes to it in faint tones of CRAZY.

Argh.

Eight years old. That's not even the earliest she's been used. But at eight, her hands were slight enough and skilled enough to steal from monsters at the behest of her BLOOD. What the hell? Who the hell sends CHILDREN to face Seers, Banishers, and Scelesti.

Unconscionable.

If only he would wake up.

...Indefinate coma...
...Massive oxidative damage...
...Late onset idiopathic progeria...

I know he'll get better. I just know it. It's only been two weeks. Nevermind the doctor's and their prognosis that if he doesn't wake soon he may never regain consciousness. I know it's just temporary.

Lakshmi, please. Let it just be temporary. Yet thank you for the gift of my apprentice, Floating Azure. He is truly a god-send, monitoring the Order and making sure my roses get watered.

Every day my heart feels heavier. And it's even worse because of my time manipulation for Keri.. a single day in the real world is a week or more in the Faerie Glen. It gets a little overwhelming trying to keep the timelines straight... you know? I feel dizzy...I can't breathe....

...

Whew..

Okay, the moment of light-headedness has cleared. I have to learn to get used to this stuff all over again. I don't think Keri noticed, which is good. This is going to take more effort than I thought.

June 9th, 2008 Midnight - Sojourner's POV

2008-06-13T17:48:30Z

Sojourner did not like this.

She didn't share that opinion because she knew why this had to happen. She could see the tapestry, more like a Sari to her than anything else with it's silken strands shimmering in her preternatural sight. She could see the intersections of Fate like jewels in a shimmery pattern, this Event was inevitable. She knew that, it didn't mean she liked it.

She failed Keri. She'd made a promise to her years ago but ever since Keri was forced Awake? She couldn't seem to get a handle on the enormity of what it meant to Keri. Until the last few weeks. And just when Jou thought there was more time? It ran out. Like a bullet to the back of Keri's head.

Why her lot in life was to repeatedly watch people get gunned down right in front of her, she'll never know.

She saw Eric peek at the outcome of this Event but there wasn't a single moment's hesitation on his part. His willingness to do this made her feel a little small. She could have done this for Keri. But she would have never done it. She wouldn't have ever considered it. She wouldn't have even chanced it.

Sheridan's suicide scared her away from even conceiving of such a thing. Another issue to add to the list of things she needed to work on.

She focused on Eric and watched the skill he used to move forward and backward in time, to weave the new destiny Keri would face. Keri has no idea of what she wished for. I tried to warn her to be very careful about this. But when one is in pain, all they can think of is how to claw out of it.

This needed to happen. And all that's left is to take care of the aftermath.

Jou had the cellphone in her hand, ready to dial 911 before Eric hit the floor.

June 9th, 2008 Midnight - Boris' POV by Clint H.

2008-06-13T17:47:52Z

Boris stands to one side of the room, his arms crossed on his chest, his feet at shoulder width, and his expression one of studied neutrality. It is obvious to anyone that has known him for any period that he is watching the scene in both physical and supernal terms, carefully monitoring things to step in and counteracts anything that would damage the Veil.

As Hollywood works and Boris' eyes track what is being done, anyone watching him will see a narrow line grow between his eyebrows as his eyes narrow. It is obvious he is less than pleased with something, but whether it's the working before him or that which necessitated it, it is impossible to tell.

When the act is done and Hollywood collapses from the backlash of his working, Boris continues to stand, an impassive figure in the corner. If anyone was looking for a reason to damn him as they do all Guardians, his complete lack of compassion when his eyes move over the mortally injured Hollywood would be more than enough.

He does not, however, interfere as arrangements are made to rush him to a hospital. Instead, he moves over closer to Keri, his demeanor almost that of a stoic guardian stone over this member of his Order.

June 9th, 2008 Midnight - Schmiede's POV by Eddy W.

2008-06-13T17:46:52Z

Schmiede watched Eric...

/No, not Eric. Hollywood now./

His former apprentice went through the motions of the ritual. To
Schmiede's Mage Sight, the Supernal energy rippled and flowed like
water folding around a hammered blade, swirled like the sudden steam
that shoves at your face like a wall. The vagaries of Fate and Time
were still beyond his personal Gnosis, but Schmiede took pride in the
unconscious precision of Hollywood's movements. He appreciated the
quiet support that Mirror gave to him, the stiff martial Arrow acting
as the right hand of the wise Ladder acting to protect the will of a
victim of the Supernal....

The anger at the situation hit his stomach suddenly, like a punch. To
have this woman forcefully Awakened, to have her right to the Supernal
thrust upon her, sickened him. He pushed the fury down, trying to
focus on the ritual, but the ancient hatred of the Exarchs burned in
his gut.

/Even five years away can't dull my hatred,/ he thought. /Even now,
the mention of the Seers reminds me of being a child tormented and
abused by the communists, of the loss of will./

He folded his anger and frustration into itself, like one folds steel
to make it stronger. He focused his attention on the clockwork gears
in Hollywood's nimbus, and felt another flush of pride. /Even his soul
recognizes some sort of precision and order./ The Acanthus spoke to
the woman, but the words were secondary. Schmiede used the Sight to
watch the build of energy, the outward manifestations of his imago.
The teacher in him noticed a few stray threads, and made a note to
correct Hollywood's form. Such sloppy work could....

As soon as he noticed it, it was already too late. The threads latched
onto energy, but it wasn't Supernal. The Abyss flowed through the
spell like soft lead, making the spell brittle. /The spell will bend
and snap. The woman's Fate will be torn asunder./

But Hollywood's will was stronger. He forced the vagaries of Time and
Fate to follow HIS will and no other. The Supernal and Abyssal energy
merged and shaped. The spell was not perfect, but it was strong
enough. It would hold.

And it did.

With a smoothly-oiled click the spell completed. The woman looked up
into Hollywood's eyes in mute thanks. Hollywood relaxed.

Schmiede tried to scream. /Don't relax. It's still..../

The Abyssal energy flowed out of the spell into Hollywood's pattern,
impurities infecting the rest of the design. Schmiede could only watch
as, in a split second, the energy slammed into Hollywood and shattered
his own pattern at every weak point. He tried to shut off his Sight,
but not before he saw Hollywood dissolve Supernally.

He didn't even hear Sojourner's voice calling for an ambulance, or
Mirror's mute fury at her own impotence. At that moment, the rage he
had tempered exploded with heat of a dozen forges. If Eric died, he
would make very, very sure that the one who was responsible would have
everything important in their life ground under Schmiede's heel.

/If I have come back one last time only to avenge my student, then it
is a good end to this life./

June 9, 2008 - Wake Up

2008-06-12T23:30:31Z

Hollywood stared at the sky for a few moments. "I want you to stay. With me"

I didn’t realize how important those words were going to be to me until I heard them. But I am absolutely certain that when he said them, he didn’t think that it would involve me sitting at his bedside while he laid unconscious in a coma.

I sighed and studied his hand which laid limp in mine. Strong and certainly capable yet perfectly manicured. I brushed my lips against the back of his hand and whispered, “I know you’re going to be alright. I’m really not worried. I’m just…impatient. And selfish. And I’m not ashamed of that right now. I know you need rest to get past this so take what you need. Just don’t make me wait too long, alright?”

I fell quiet again. I thought back on that last conversation we had on the roof not a few hours before this all happened. He asked me to stay with him but I didn’t hear it. Instead, I was more interested in protecting my heart. Asking something of him he really had no reason to give me. I’d thought I wouldn’t ask for him to change for me but in the end, I demanded it.

"There's the thing, isn't it? It is easy to leave it as it is. It is easy and plain. No decisions, no risk. It is hard to change - for anything."

How bizarre is it to think that we’re Acanthus and we’re somehow the most resistant to doing things in a way we’re not used to. We’re creatures of fate and whim and bliss but if things get too serious, we find it very hard to transition and deal with it. When I look at my own history, the contradictions pile up so high I can’t even see over them. Was I really shocked that Jimmy cheated on me? Not really. What made it unbearable to me was the public humiliation that accompanied it. Tabloids and programs splashing my name, sharing again and again that ill-fated romance.

As for Smoke, well…he wasn’t famous, that’s a mark in his favour. And he kept the dark parts of his life separate from me. Perhaps too separate. I fooled myself into thinking that I could handle the violence and ignore the corruption, that they were for a greater good and purpose. At least until Smoke murdered those teenagers..that was a wake-up call.

"Sooner or later something comes that is worth changing for."

I’m not being seduced by his charisma. I’m not being ignorant of his faults or flaws. I’m not sitting around, waiting for someone to sweep me off of my feet and make floral declarations of love. I’m not looking for the husband and station wagon, family life bit. I’m not looking for anything that isn’t already there.

"I don't have anything witty or insightful to say. You have stripped my armor from me. All that I am is right here. With you. "

I like the fact that when my mind gets too full of things, he’ll listen and acknowledge that it does indeed make some sort of sense. I like that he takes me very, very seriously. And yes, I do admit to like the fact that he believes in me and what I’m trying to accomplish. It’s incredibly satisfying. And I promise I’ll tell him every bit of this as soon as he wakes up.

I fiddle with the necklace around my neck, sliding the pendant back and forth on it's chain. The pendant is shaped like an iron cross with a wave pattern. I should ask him what it means sometime soon.

Wake up, damnit.

June 9th, 2008, Midnight - Gears of Destiny- by David B.

2008-06-12T21:17:37Z

From where he stood, the world looked plastic, fake, like you would
see in a movie or a comic book.

The logical side of his mind told him
that this was because of the polarized windows. It told him about the
way light refracted off the specially designed panes of glass, how
that light interacted with the nerves in his eyes and gave everything
the look of being outlined.

Firmly the man in the rumpled suit closed that part of his mind off
and engaged the more creative and far less irritating side. This side
of his mind looked over the circle that was drawn on the floor of the
large room, noted the patterns, how they interacted with each other,
how they lined up with the energy flowing through the city itself, how
they drew everything inward. For tonight, he would need every ounce
of supernal energy he could get his hands on.

He looked further, outside the windows, down to the streets so far
below. In his mind the cars, the people, the buildings resolved
themselves into intricate patters that seemed to shift and twist in
his vision, like a heat mirage. These too were part of the ritual,
even if they would never know.

He then looked to the people in the room atop the building with him
and noted their own particular resonance. Sojourner with her kind
eyes, filled with hope and trust - trust that he desperately hoped he
deserved. Mirror looking at him with a similar and somehow more
immediate look. She would tell him that all of this was foolish, that
he was risking himself for a lost cause. She would be right and that
irked him a little before he put it aside. Boris, who stood off to
the side, impassive in the way that you would think of mountains as
impassive. As ranking Sentinel as well as the only Guardian in the
city that really mattered at all, his presence meant that if he lost
control of the ritual then it would be handled. A different, darker
part of his mind replaced the "if" with "when" before being brushed
aside and silenced. Near Boris, but just as uncompromising was Master
Vorfahr, his teacher. He would never admit it, but aside from being
one of the few people he bothered to call "Master" regardless of how
much the Silver Ladder promoted it, this was one of the very few
people he wanted to impress - wanted their approval.

Finally he looked to Keri, sitting within the circle in front of him,
listening to the IPod he had given her and looking around like a child
seeing a church for the first time. He wondered if his desire to help
her was more selfish than altruistic. She looked up at him with her
warm, liquid brown eyes and smiled the same smile of a trusting child.
This trusting, peaceful, wide-eyed child had put a bullet through
another visiting Mage without a moment of hesitation, without a second
thought.

Filled with that sobering thought he looked at Mirror and nodded for
her to begin. As she began to guide the motes of supernal energy into
the circle and into himself he began to activate the various parts of
the circle. He fed tiny amounts through each of the shapes drawn on
the floor, activating their part in sequence. The last segment came
alive as Mirror finished her part in funneling the Mana into the
ritual and he began the actual casting, the real reason why they were
all there. Just before he began he made a small modification and use
a minute part of the energy amassed to make a quick look at what Fate
had in store for the next few hours. Reaching up and through the
Thistle tower, he brought back an answer and studied it for a few
seconds before smiling.

Channeling the amassed Mana, the man's nimbus began to flare revealing
ghostly gears and clockwork mechanisms that got larger and more
intricate as the seconds passed. Focusing the mountain of energy
coursing through him into his Watchtower, the man focused first on
some of the larger gears that resembled tumblers from a bank vault.
Just before he sent them spinning he paused and looked down at Keri
again.

"Keri, I told you that I was going to give you a choice - the choice
to have any destiny you wanted. The choice to be the person you
wanted.

I lied.

You have had terrible things done to you. You were awakened before
you were mean to be, raped in the truest sense of the word over and
over again until you were less of a person and more of a weapon, ready
to be used by anyone who knew what to say. If you chose now you would
choose to be exactly what you are - a weapon. A gun does not wish to
be a plow, it simply waits for someone to pull the trigger. A knife
does not ask to be a candle, it cuts without question.

You are not a bad person, you are just who you have become. I am not
going to let you choose. I am going to give you the right to choose.
I am going to give you back what was taken from you, what you should
have had all along. You are going to have every right to be whatever
you want to be.

I am going to give you more than just a choice. I am going to give
you the right to make one."

The last words came out as a shout as the circle burst into brilliant
light sending the vault tumblers into a slowly increasing spin that
seemed to stretch the room without moving at all. Faster they spun,
distorting the room, colors dancing, sounds distorting from strange
places that weren't there a second ago. Time seems to twist skipping
ahead and jumping back, lurching like a maddened metronome all while
the massive tumblers were slowly spinning down, locking into place one
after another. The last tumbler locked into place just as time
stopped entirely, hands frozen, dust suspended in air, for an instant
that was also an eternity, nothing moved, nothing was real at all -
and then the gears, tumblers, all of it began shrinking again and
inverting to designs impossibly precise, figures, symbols, movements,
all drawn out in glowing text into the air, into reality itself, all
swirling around the man and Keri, sitting before him.

Eyes burning, muscles protesting, the man began to draw even more mana
into the circle as he began the next part of the ritual, bringing
Keri's Destiny as it was so long ago, before she had been abused,
forward in time to the present and re-binding it to her. Sucking in a
breath that felt like it contained razor blades, he grit his teeth,
drew even more mana from beyond the Abyss and focused on the girl
sitting before him. Moving the focus of the ritual from him to her
was like moving a glacier across a football field inch by inch.

Straining with every part of his being, he focused the energies into a
razors edge and moved them from his own pattern into hers, wrapping
her in the fate-binding patters that he had gone backwards in time to
retrieve. Sweat poured from his brow as he re-wove the few Destiny
and eroded away the aberrant one that lay coiled like a snake before
him. Winding around in every increasing intricacy and speed, the
formulae danced in the motionless wind, working, binding, re-binding
for another moment that seemed to stretch into impossibility.

In that moment, reaching through his watchtower, the man made the
impossible probable, the past the present, and a weapon into a human
being.

The circle blinked out and the wash of energy faded like a receding wave.

For the first time in far too long the man, exhaled, slumped over,
empty of both energy and mana, and smiled a weak smile at Keri who sat
there still, looking up at him with her beautiful brown eyes.

It was at that moment, that perfect moment, that it went wrong.
Completely drained of will to fight it off and mana to shunt it into
the Abyss, the towering wave of power returned - bringing the horrors
of the Abyss with it.

The man closed his eyes and stood up as the wave of reality destroying
energy ripped through his pattern, digging through a person like no
weapon could. Rigid, unable to speak or give more than a choked half
gurgle, the man fell the the floor and into darkness.

Totally worth it.

ooc: Thanks to David Bounds for letting me post this in my lj. Yay! Mage. We know drama!

June 8, 2008: Helplessness (part 1)

2008-06-12T04:03:12Z

It all went wrong so quickly.

One moment we were fine and saying hello to everyone and the next, Keri pulled out her gun and shot the woman who walked into the room. I knew she didn’t know what she was doing. I knew instantly that Cameron was to blame. But the first thought in my head was, ‘Oh Lakshmi, no. Not now.’ I jumped in front of her…and was immediate covered with blood. Hollywood’s bodyguard Mirror held a smoking gun as she approached Keri's wounded body.

"If she draws a gun again, kill her." Hollywood commanded his bodyguard Mirror.

What?

“What!?” I yelled…but was immediately distracted by a hundred and one things going on, the most important of which was Keri pulling another side arm and shooting the innocent woman again.

I’ve never felt so useless.

I was supposed to be helping Keri, teaching her how to let go of the violence and to reclaim her Wisdom. Instead, I’ve somehow managed to forget that Guardians will have their way. I didn’t think to look for subliminal triggers. Of course she’d shoot at the first stranger who approaches the gathering. Trip said that it felt like all strangers were Seers. And with Cameron’s ‘shoot all Seers on sight’ command… disaster.

After what happened with her and Aubrey? Watching her sob and shudder under the weight of her actions, it broke my heart. I’d promised her a long time ago that I wouldn’t let her be used like this and I failed to keep that promise. I did what I could for her at the moment. I used an ability of mine I rarely used to make her see everything with perfect clarity. To show her her fullest potential and to show her that she can be healed and she can be helped.

She also asked me if I could make it as if her Awakening had never happened. I told her I couldn’t.

But Hollywood said something different.

He’s going to change her Destiny. I’m not sure of how I feel about that. But when I see the pain Keri is in and when I watch her beg for help...

When I see what has been done to make Keri into a weapon, I can’t even see straight.

I hate the idea of doing something so enormous as to change who and what she is. Yet, if she continues as she’s doing now..she can’t be helped.

I hope she comes to understand what she has asked for and that she won’t hate us for this.

I've failed her too many times already.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 - Peace and Quiet

2008-06-01T23:09:29Z

It’s very quiet here. Which is odd because one always thinks of a business skyscraper as a place full of hustle and bustle, people in suits and reputations walking to and fro. Distracted even as they’re focused. But the suite up here in the Queen Building is quiet.

When I look all the way down, I can see a hint of the ‘crown’ on top of the King Building in shadow on the pavement just as the sun is breaking dawn. There’s still some lingering vapor in the air so I can’t quite see out to downtown like I usually can. At this time of morning, if the skies are clear, you can see the lights of downtown sort of switch-off as the city wakes and comes to life.

But not today. Today is a Sunday so the city sort of rises late. And with the haze, it feels a little as if we’re floating. It’s odd. Any other time, I would say it felt a little disconnected or isolated but today, it just feels quiet. Simple.

He shifts slightly in the bed and I carefully slide the blinds back into place so the light doesn’t disturb him. I really love waking up just to watch the sunrise. And I know that he usually sees sunrises from the other side. It is hard being a rich and famous playboy. One doesn’t realize the supreme effort required to maintain a life of carefree excess.

It's an incredibly constructed façade; perhaps too well-made but I can certainly understand the idea of creating the type of life you think you should have. Or at least constructing the appearance of the life you want others to think you have. If the construction is sound enough, complete enough, no one on the outside knows it’s false. The trouble is when the construction is too well done, you get trapped inside. And by then, you’ve created such an elaborate illusion that no one thinks to get close enough to hear you banging against the bars of the cage you made.

I tug a bit of the over-sized bath robe beneath my toes to seal in the warmth. Curled up in this chair, I realize I’ve made an incredibly bad habit of thinking about things. When I was younger, I would just act and trust in Lakshmi and my instincts to get out of any scrape. But it’s harder to be reckless now.

This is why I’m sitting in this chair watching him sleep. I’m trying to think hard about not thinking about this.

This is something that only makes sense if you’re me.

I’ve been floating from disaster to catastrophe to duty to responsibility and somewhere along the way, I gained a remarkable ally. Figuring out how it happened doesn’t interest me. Even really figuring out where to go with this doesn’t interest me either.

The reason I’m sitting in the chair thinking about not thinking is because I’m very calm right now when I think I should be scared. For a lot of reasons big and small. But I can't seem to be worried enough to think about them or why. So I'm going to focus on something else. He’s been having dreams of vague portents. He can’t pinpoint what’s going on yet but he can feel them. I can feel it too though it feels more like when you’re standing on sand and for some reason, your weight is wrong and you know things are going to suddenly shift beneath you.

And you know what? For some reason, I’m not really concerned about it. Any other time, I would be. I would be asking Fate for direction or trying to feel which way the breeze was blowing. But right now, I’m just calm. Not unfeeling, just… simply here. It’s very odd. This is usually a state I fight to get to or I strive to maintain. But not this morning. It’s weird. Not weird enough to concern me; just odd enough for me to make note of. It’s his doing, though not consciously so.

Maybe this is the result of telling him about Aubrey and Sheridan. (Though not all of it.) I thought I’d gotten over and past it all but when I was telling him about it; I sort of relived it all over again and it didn’t overwhelm me. That’s new.

And it's good.

Anyway, I just feel quiet. I’m going to take another moment to let it just soak in and then I’ll slip back into bed and try to get some sleep.

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in

- Sarah McLachlan "Elsewhere"

Just Here..

2008-05-14T05:20:42Z

ooc: A quick and gentle reminder that the contents in this LJ are not written in character. They're just the ic reflections of my character's thoughts and such.

When I landed at Hartsfield International Airport, I ended up staying there for hours. I came up the escalator from the concourse trains and at top was the familiar sight of the USO. A few people there recognized me, but not as Sojourner. From time to time, I like to schedule my time with the USO so I can welcome the troops coming home from their missions. It's spiritually renewing for me. Here are people who fight in battles to save the world everyday and they don't even get to use magic. It's the best of humanity spawned from the worst of it.

There's hope there. And I find it inspiring.

But inspiration isn't strength. I still wasn't ready to go home yet. So I asked Hollywood if I could visit and he said yes. (Keri will kill me once she realizes I'm back in town but I don't have her bodyguarding me..) So I went and I'm glad I did.

Seeing the Pentacle come together to overcome a foe is also inspiring to me. Watching Floating Azure (my new apprentice!) fight with heart and soul against the darkness and temptation was inspiring. He's a Tamer of Rivers and is calm, heartfelt, and steady. A wonderful addition to the Vox Draconis. Even when I tried to do everything I could to make him prepared for what would be an enormous challenge, he took the time to pull me aside and thank me, give me words of comfort, and had a true sweetness that I didn't realize I needed. In many ways, I need him far more than he'll ever need me... but there's something in him that has such strength. It's something I think I have on occasion and I hope that just as I teach him how to become a better Ladder, he'll teach me how to remember to be strong. He's wonderful.

As for Hollywood, I'm not sure of what to think. He is Acanthus, which tells everything and nothing about him. I like him, he's quite interesting. I intend to be very careful around him, though. I have a bad habit of losing friends, especially new ones.

Oh yes, mental note... get Floating Azure in touch with Skeleton Key... Or.. both into my house.. yes, it's almost time to go home. Not only my past, but my future is there.

The Way to Hell is Paved...

2008-05-08T02:56:17Z

All I wanted to do was hide.

All I wanted was to let the tide of emotion flood over me and out. Then when the tide was low, I would come out on the shore again and get into the world before the tide came back in. I just wanted time and space. I wanted time for quiet. With no emails and no phone calls. With no death and no sorrow or pain. I just wanted to be quiet.

But Keri wanted to help me. And I can’t say no to that. So I let her talk me into getting dressed in jeans and a top and sneakers. When I left the room, I saw that she’d talked Hollywood into the same thing. It’s interesting seeing Hollywood out of his suits. He will never look nor act like a ‘normal’ sort of person, I guess being born with wealth does that to you. Tripp has that aura too. The sort of aura that implied that even if he lost absolutely everything tomorrow, as long as he had one good suit, he could walk into an office or bank anywhere and convince them that he has the one idea or thing that will make investing in him worthwhile and in no time back, he’d be back in the lap of luxury.

Anyway..so, Keri drove the two of us downtown and we pull up near the High Museum of Atlanta. But at this time of night, the building is closed. This would be a deterrent to normal people, but Keri is far from normal. While she left us in the car, I began to immediately apologize to Hollywood and then I asked him if he’d just…play along with it so we could make Keri happy. He was very kind as to say that he would.

In retrospect, I kind of wish he hadn’t.

When we got inside and walked around and such, Keri spoke to us both. Or rather, she had a conversation about me with Hollywood right in front of me as if I weren’t there. She reminded him that I was a girl. He knew that. And.. well, basically Keri wanted Hollywood to..date? romance? Screw me on the floor or something. Her logic (and yes, in her own way it makes sense) she thinks that I’m too disconnected from the world so having sex or some sort of human connection will make me all better. She thinks that I’m gonna go and do something fatal in the state I’m in.

She had key moments like: Jou, when's the last time you had a boyfriend? and Boys are better than batteries...

These things are appalling as they are. To say these things right before someone I have interest in..

If only she weren't actually right about some of this. (Well most of this...) But her method is astonishingly…wrong. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment right then and there. Though there was a moment there that..well, things didn’t seem so bad. Hollywood actually said that he was fascinated by me. That was a very..nice moment...

But then he went on to say that he can see that I’m all.. busy with duty and responsibility and duty and.. well all the big stuff that most Acanthus really don’t want to touch or be around and I can’t say I blame them. So… yeah.. all of that potential of a possible relationship is sort of gone. I think I could feel my chest just sort of go cold with that realization. It’s like something got snatched out of my hands right before the instinct to hold onto it kicked in.

But it’s just as well. It’s good to know these things now so I can focus on the bigger things, like surviving the weekend. How hard can mere survival be?

I just wish Keri hadn't left the box of condoms so prominently displayed on my dresser.

((Hours later))

Oh... look, there's an invitation to go out to a place of our on choosing...

This is why I can't gamble, I can't figure out anything doing with my own life.

But in the meantime, cue girlish squealing here. ^_^

Everything You Think You Know

2008-05-06T03:39:31Z

"So.. I'm really feeling like I'm gonna have a major freak-out soon and I'm not sure about how to go about it. I've literally split my mind up so I can be functional but you know..? That's gonna wear off soon and I don't know what to do. And I feel sort of bad about bringing this to you but, you're the only person I can think of who has any idea of what it's like.. because we're all Acanthusy and Ladder-like. And my two best friends are dead so.. I hope this isn't a huge inconvenience.. but in like..three days I have to go someplace else and figure out how to save lots of people from crazy cannibal spiders and I am so. not. in the mind frame to do it. And I really don't want to get anyone else killed..."

"So..um..any ideas?"

Good tools require maintenance, right? A painter cleans his brushes. A chef sharpens her knives... but me? What can I do when I'm worn down and dull; when my mind is full of horrors and pain and anguish? I can't sleep because of nightmares. If I'm at home and I had to go to bed, I would have to pass by her room. And I'm not allowed to just go out...become anonymous, drink or party or whatever else into oblivion. At least not in the Perimeter, I've been...asked to stay away. And I'm too well known anyway. There's no such thing as disappearing here.

I'm so mindful and responsible, right? Yes, I can be a leader and show my Order a new way. Yes, I can take apprentices on and show them new paths. Yes, I can start actual social movements that espouse a better way, promote the Path of Wisdom. Help others get mobilized. Say things of common sense and hope... but I can't find balance. Things just keep pushing and pushing at me and I know that if I don't get a hold of myself, it's gonna give way in the worst way possible.

So...what to do? The only thing I know how to do. Start something new. Foster something that can be good. It's a bit selfish of me, I admit. I want to be around someone who doesn't need me. But around someone who wouldn't mind if I hung around while I got my mind together. I hate imposing but friends don't mind that sort of thing. (I'm not even sure if we're actually 'friends' yet but focusing on building the strand.. helps.) I need to be a person again, just for a little while.

Though when I have moments like this, staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling alone in a rather lovely guest room, I can't help but let my minds slowly come together and try to deal with the enormity of emotion and duty on my shoulders. Sunny and Psyche are dead. It's very hollow in my heart. They each meant so much to me that I can't even comprehend what it means to have lost them. ::Empty chairs at empty tables...::

No, Les Miserables lyrics are not gonna help right now. My mind is so melodramatic that it's almost funny.

I tried sleeping. Losing consciousness would have been a beautiful rest, but that's not to be. Arachne and her spider people really do not like me and they stalk me in my dreams. It's some sort of magic and only mirrors and waking are keeping me from further harm. Is it weird that even thinking about being stalked in my dreams by spiders is so mundane a thing that it's not even my main or secondary concern?

If I weren't so tired, I would say I've completely lost perspective.

But my main concern right now? Proving my worth. To prove that I'm worthy enough to hold this artifact. This living artifact with all of it's untold secrets. To prove that I'm worthy of leading and of being followed. To prove that my plan to rebuild the backbone of Pentacle society by removing the faulty foundation and carefully encouraging regrowth and strength from within it..that it's feasible. To prove that I'm not simply naive and don't like blood because it's messy but because every drop should matter and has weight and to accept that one person loses Wisdom for the lot of us really just means we're all losing it by tacit acceptance...

Aha! That's what it is! To a great number of people, I've ceased being a person, I've become an Idea. And even worse, I think of myself that way too. That's a dangerous path to walk. That's why I came here. I need to be flesh and bone and no doubt tears and laughter. I need to hurt with a distraction so it won't take me over. I need to heal and rest a little. I just need to be.

I'll have to figure out why I came here 'to be' later. Or maybe I won't try to figure it out at all.

I'm so tired.

I wonder if paintbrushes get tired of making beautiful things happen...

Always on the Edge..

2008-05-02T02:29:13Z

And now comes the waiting. Preparations are being made. Plans are being constructed and re-constructed. Everyone moves with purpose. It's inspiring even as it scares me. What is the price of one life? And how could any of us live with ourselves if we all didn't throw ourselves against the odds to try to save that one life?

The last forty-eight hours have been strange. I'm used to strange, honestly. I've never been attacked in a dream before..but I can't say I'm surprised. It probably would have gone better had I not been...intoxicated. I don't regret it though.. I've been very tightly wound for a long time. It's just been like a slow knot gathering until the thread is pull tight. Occasionally I choke on it. Sometimes, I'm able to slip it off..

Destiny has pretty much abandoned me. I don't look to fate to figure out my own place in it. I don't strain to hear Lakshmi's soft voice on the wind. I know that I have become a simple tool to do her bidding and tools simply act when applied to their task. She is a gentle master, yes. But master, none the less.

Though sometimes I feel the stirring of other gods in the breeze. Ganesh with his child-like kindness hands me trinkets even as he has oblivion hidden in a pocket somewhere. A calm, wonderful, carefree night with someone who could be come dear... it is not Fate that is fickle. It is the whim of the Gods who play with the fabric of our lives.

Another shining jewel on the sari I wear. I will hold it close and treasure it as I treasure so many others. And on the near day I am finally at rest, I will be able to set those jewels in the firmament and make the heavens all the more richer because of it.

But first thing's first... we must save Sunny.

It's Oh So Quiet...

2008-02-20T05:10:03Z

As I look up at the ceiling of my apartment in the Argent Spire, I can hear nothing but the sound of my breathing and the pulse of my heart. There are others here, now. Flipping through books and touching furniture and objects that haven't felt human touch in centuries. There's life within the Spire of the Argent Dragon again. It's small and faint but I know it will grow. It's the beginning, the spark that will cause a blaze that will shine brightly into the future.

At the same time, lights cast shadows in the corners. I see one now shifting with the burning wicks of the candles at my bedside. I see them and I feel them. As 'Pollyanna' as I may be, I'm not completely naive. I'm not without self-awareness. With my eyes cast towards Truth, I can see brilliantly by successes and my failures.

I almost failed last night. For the first time, I've come to see the cracks in the foundation. I knew there was going to be a price for my taking the Sceptor in hand but I thought it would be my life. Giving my life entirely for the preservation and restoration of my Order. Giving up my music and my relationships to pour myself heart and soul into the vessel I have become to enact the Oracle's will. Or rather, to be honest, I thought that I would give and give until I faded away. And then I would finally rest in peace with the knowledge that I had done all I could do. That the weak heart I've possessed since childhood would finally just stop and it would be over. Even with Sheridan's suicide to alter my fate, I knew that there would come a day soon, within this year in fact..that things would just end.

To my horror, I can't sense that now.

The moment I took the Scepter, all I could think of was what to do next and then next after that, but at this moment in time, things have gone quiet. Searching myself, I have come to realize that I have no destiny. I can no longer see the thread that carries my life. I don't know if that means.

And the further price of the Scepter is even more. I am responsible for them all. Literally, I can feel the weight of every Vox Draconis upon my shoulders. It's like I'm bigger than I am and all the more small because of it. When Emrys voiced his outrage and nearly left the proceedings, I felt as if the floor beneath my feet had fallen. When Morgan railed against the Guardian Spirit, I could feel her rage gnaw at my side. When Gabriel be-spelled the Scepter because he 'couldn't hear' over it's ringing..I could feel the outrage of every other person in the room and the Tower itself shift.

Tome’s words to Emrys and Morgan hit home for me.

“Sometimes, as a leader, you have a responsibility to carry through a difficult situation and make a difficult decision; regardless of your personal feelings. You have a solemn duty to carry out your objective regardless of difficulties and obstacles. You will not back down from your solemn duties to both the Awakened nation and the Vox Draconis. And if you dare to try that in these hollowed halls, we will begin the process of dismissing you from your positions…. I am not word-smithing with you. Do it. You have no other option, and as a leader, you are expecting and required to fulfill your duties."

Earlier, I let things get out of hand. I let arguments go unchecked and I let people who made promises break them without immediate action because I was either too stunned or too hurt to think the matter through. I’ve never aspired to lead by standing before a crowd and commanding it through force. I had always hoped that by being an example that others could see and relate to..they would feel compelled to follow or at least join with me by my side.

I can’t be passive anymore. I see that now.

As for the verdict against Felix, it was both a relief and a sadness to me. I'm relieved because I thought I was the only one to see that his unchecked actions were harmful to both himself, others, and I admit selfishly to myself. He said that we are two sides of the same coin. He said I am 'white' while he is 'grey'. He doesn't see the things I see. He doesn't understand. Nor does he have any desire to. The fact that he can say he slit a man's throat so flippantly during his defense is chilling. Where is the Wisdom there? I'm saddened because I don't know how to speak to him. It is my failing that I honestly don't want to try and make the effort. (And there's no small part of hubris in that inclination. And though I do feel vindicated by Tome's decision. I have to face to fact that there is hubris in that feeling of vindication. No sainthood for me.)

But even as this attitude repels me I know I have to further figure out how to counteract this mindset. I am glad that Felix is now only *acknowledged* and an apprentice to someone newly inducted themselves because I hope it gives him a glimmer of humility. Because I can feel his arrogance. It’s a part of me I try to ignore and it’s a part of all of us within the Vox Draconis. It is a thing that makes us weak and keeps us weak. I think Tome said it best as he rose to speak Felix’s sentence.

He stood and paced, his expression darkened to almost malevolence as he spoke, “ We...have...a problem here.”

“We are the leaders of the Awakened Nation and yet our conduct has been sorely lacking in public. We consider leadership to make us beyond reprisal. It is not the actions, but how we conduct ourselves that can prove thrice-damning. This has been a spectacle. Felix, you have laughed and even threatened. You wish us to accept you...you won't accept us. You speak of us contempt, even in these halls. I hear words dripping with hubris.”

“ I don't know if the Orthalon did this. Or if you had this hubris long before...but you lack humility in the worst ways. That is what you have shown me today. You want us to have faith in you. You have no faith in us. And yet...there has been enough blood spilled over the scepter to make me wish things upon it that are not fit for public discourse.”

“ I will not seek capital punishment for this. The Tetragrammaton is not a literal list of charges but a gauge that so many of us forget. We will not cast you out either. You never left this order. You would learn nothing from us if you did leave us. And I believe that you still have much to learn from us.”

As Tomorrow’s Architect spoke, I felt within my bones that this was a Moment. A moment of clarity for me if no one else. It isn’t something I can easily define. It just is. The irony is that these words came from a man who is lost and haunted. I don't think he ever imagined he could be more than what he was. I have the feeling that he walks the wrong way on the Path of Wisdom. For him to say these things that I and everyone else should be saying. That he was fair-minded enough to rule as he did on Felix's behalf... I know I must help him learn how to gain what he may have never sought.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the scepter restores Wisdom. It’s something that’s sorely needed the world over right now. I can think of no one more deserving of finding his center than Tomorrow's Architect. So he will be the one I help first. And hopefully he will help me help others.

It’s going to take an enormous amount of time and effort to heal the cracks I’ve found in the heart of the Vox Draconis, but I apparently have the time, I know I absolutely have the passion, and of course, I have Faith to do this.

Though I may need a stiff drink first...

Rule #1: Always Expect the Unexpected

2008-02-14T03:31:49Z

I am a fool. That's all there is to it. I don't know why I don't think these things through sometime.

A few weekends ago, we had this incident where a mage decided he was going to use tens of thousands of people at Centennial Olympic Park as a sacrifice to summon some abyssal demon-thing so we had to stop it. The guy was the bassist for the main event happening, this Heavy Metal Trip Hop band.. thing. So there we go, having to stop the show. Our intention was to help the opening band Rav 4 get some publicity and let them rock out. But they were having a really weird affect on the crowd, inciting them to riot. So we had to stop THEM though I _know_ they weren't mages. So then..we have a nearly rioting audience of thousands demanding a concert. The concert promoter's like 'Um... can you do something?'

I'm like...um..sure? And I go up with an acoustic and sing 'Enter Sandman' by Metallica because that's the first thing that comes to mind. Other mages decide to help me out by picking up instruments and we start rocking out and it was actually a brilliant concert. Probably one of my best ever. Which is awesome and wretched because I'm really trying to retire and wrap things up with my career. It's bad enough that I showed up on the cover of the local gossip rag with Amy Winehouse for some bogus story about us drinking and walking along the freeway or something. Anyway, all is done. The day is saved. The people don't get killed. Yay.

Well, the story won't end there.

I get a phone call a few days later by a couple of people who want to book me for some small events. This generally happens so I wasn't surprised. People want you when you have headlines. One of the invitations was for a local School of the Blind. I was so touched that I of course told my manager that I would love to meet with the Director of the institute and see what we could do. I also had some background checks run and such and the school is just great. They've done a lot of good work and have a substantial financial backing. I thought that it would probably be great to still find a way to help them so I looked and saw that they had a few chairs open on their Board of Trustees and I've heard of a few people on that board so I figured I would offer to help in that way in lieu of taking a fee for my performance. (Which they insisted I had to take, they're not a charity case.) I thought it was sweet that the Director was so protective of her kids.

Well, I go into the school and a fellow named George walks with me. We're fairly quiet and he leaves me at the door as I go into the room. The lady behind the desk looks really lovely and her seeing-eye-dog is gorgeous. I sat and we started discussing the gig and where it would be held. I mentioned possibly becoming a chair in the future and everything is so pleasant and comfortable..and then..

Well then she starts asking me about the concert. I answer her questions as best as I can.. 'Yes, it looked like people were gonna riot but I guess my style of music is more calming. And people really enjoyed it..' and then another question and another. I got suspicious and tried to glimpse at Fate to see if it was a coincidence that I was here. Of course it's not. So now I'm sort of getting worried. And then..

She asks me if I know Gevaudan. I'm like...huh? Doesn't he work at the hospital? I was trying to figure out if this was innocent or not and then she says, 'He told us how to contact him.' And then my mind just flies back to..

...My Hierarch (at the time) Gevaudan telling me how he got stuck in a house with werewolves and vampires and they all knew what he was and what and how to find him because he GAVE THEM HIS BUSINESS CARD an hour beforehand. I stared at Gevaudan, 'Do you just hand your card to EVERYONE you meet?' and his response, 'Yeah..' 'But..you work in an ER. Why do you have to have a BUSINESS CARD FOR THAT?'

...So..now I'm thinking, "Great." But it's daytime and I'm inside. Just as I think this the woman goes, "Oh, don't worry. I'm not a Leech." She does not know how NOT comforting that is. Because my mind is going 'Werewolf! Werewolf! I'm totally gonna die!!' Then she asks me if I know what she is. I tell her I've got a good idea but I don't confirm anything. Then she asks me about the stupid park again and I tell her that I have NO idea of what she's referring to. And then she tells me that when we did..whatever we did, the 'other side' was damaged. I'm like 'what Other side?' She says it again. I ask it again and then tell her I have NO idea of what she's talking about. But then I tell her that if she has questions she should talk to Gevaudan as he's given her his contact information and to NOT mention that she's talked to me about this.

So then I had to ask, 'So did you invite me here on the pretense of performing for these children?' She reassures me that she still wants me to perform and participate and board chairs and all of that and all I can think of is 'This is a werewolf. I need to get the hell out.' She gets upset because I'm _clearly_ not cool with the situation and I leave without committing to anything.

Ugh.

Werewolves. Vampires. Why is this world so damned small?

So...long story short. I need to learn to be more suspicious of even BLIND people. Because they dangerous too!

Catching Up

2007-12-14T14:54:25Z

So how does one return to normal life once they've been to the Promised Land?

I don't know.

I'm trying to work it out. Man, my timing has been off. My understanding has been lagging. And my usually right on predictions have been right off. It's wierd. I'm sort of running with scissors through my life right now.

At least Emrys handed me safety scissors so I don't do too much damage to myself or anybody else. He was right, I can't ignore all the stuff that makes me me. I've been trying to burn away all the extra stuff so I can just keep my focus on the Vox Draconis. I just know that if I stay steady, I can make everything better by making the Vox better. We are the backbone of our communities! If we're strong and functional, things can't help but be easier for everyone else.

It's so frustrating to see the solution and not be able to make it happen.

Speaking of solutions...so many people have come to me recently to tell me that Skeleton Key was worried about me. I felt so horrible about disappearing like that. I had no idea that stepping on the Shadow Road would mean that I'd lose a month of my life in the process. Or that I'd leave others hanging or waiting for my selfish adventure to end.

I tried to let Key off the hook, maybe find someone more dependable for her to mentor with. But her expression when I said it... so downtrodden and disappointed.

"Unless..you don't mind me..? I thought you may be a bit disappointed in me..so..I wanted to give you a way...out if you..needed...I just feel like I've failed you." I sighed and watched the young girl in front of me, "I'm so sorry."

Key furrowed her brows at that "I wasn't...You're the first person who's actually listened that i wanted to join...and to take steps towards helping me. You haven't failed me"

I nodded slowly watching her "Right..I took you seriously and I know you're serious. And I thought you maybe wanted to do this with someone who's more... well, less flighty than me. If you still want me to help you I totally would love to. I just don't want to hold you back."

She blinked for a moment and cocked her head to the side, "The only way to hold me back is to doubt that you can help me."

Blessed Lakshmi. The child is Wise. I couldn't help but hug her right then and there! I swear to you that I will do my very best by her.

"Tell you what, right after Christmas, come back to my house. Tripp is going to open the Hallow at my house and It's gonna be neat! Do you know Prime?"

We began to chatter about the future. My first and last apprentice. I asked her to write something for me, something she finds important. This is what she sent me:

--------------
Shadowed heart casting doubt
veils of past locked you out
Future's promise shining bright
Lines of triumph Bring to light

In their chest the lady's heart
With a whisper does it start
Over time Through fickle fate
Destiny's cadence Never late

Upon the Marbled floor they danse
Those who walk this dead manse
Through the years they have found
With their Song the Night unbound

Child of shadow child of fate
Turn your heart from death's gate
Your turn has come to live this life
Free from hatred strain and strife

----------------

So sweet and so simple. It soothes my soul.

I can do this.

Drowning

2007-11-01T00:06:18Z

The world is trying to crush me.

I can't...articulate it better than that. When I have a problem to focus on..I'm completely and totally there with laser-like precision. But when I'm idle..I'm finding it hard to think or feel anything other than homesickness and anticipation. It's like something at the back of my tongue that I just can't taste. It's like a shadow I can't quite see. It's something I can't quite grasp. My dreams pull me under and when I wake up, I'm..just out of it.

The things going on in my personal life are still important but they seem overwhelmed by the things going on in my Order. The words Raphael said to me two weeks ago, the time I got to spend with 'Zu weeks before that, I realize with a shock that I haven't celebrated anyone's birthday in ages... oh my god, tonight is Gabriel's birthday. I have never forgotten it before! And I didn't get him anything....

But the sense of urgency I have for that is nothing compared to this situation with Felix, and the Vox Argenti, and becoming Respected, and wondering if I should give Skeleton Key to a mentor who is going to be able to focus on her as she properly needs... If this is the nature of obsession, I don't know if I'm scared of it or if I welcome it. The distraction of these things means more to me right now than figuring out relationships, frankly. I want to be so good a Silver Ladder that no one will ever question why I am Silver Ladder again. And I want the Silver Ladder to be so much better than it is that I'm willing to put my life on the line to make it so.

I can't breathe. Not without the weight of the world on my heart, weighing it down.. and my dreams...they have become more memorable upon waking, the sense of homesickness threatens to dull anywhere else save... Stone Mountain, which gleams like a grounded silver meteor in my dreams. A singing, chanting, playing,
mudhra-gesturing procession pilgrimages to Stone Mountain. Robed dreamfolk beckon other Silver Ladders with their Silver Ladder Rote mudhras. The chant breathes holy authority into the starry night's sky. A Silver aurora borealis hangs in the sky over Stone Mountain as it threatens to reach down and touch the summit. There is an anticipation of something waiting at the end of the shadowy road to the mountain.

A great voice answers the pilgrimage chanting: "Come, my children." It is deep-voiced, obviously a male, but quite inhuman and seems to speak half in and out of intelligible English. What does it mean?

I don't know.

I have to find out.

Obsessed much?

2007-10-10T03:07:10Z

I think I'm losing it. That's all it is to it. For months I was so busy I couldn't see straight. Trying to make the Open Conspiracy work, trying to find Skoll, trying to make the Vox Argenti become a true voice for the Vox Draconis, trying to build the Southeastern High Consilium into something practical and real, trying to keep Keri from going mad, trying to take on a new apprentice in Skeleton Key, trying NOT to take Jimmy Hood-wink into apprenticeship though for some reason now he REALLY wants to be a Silver Ladder.. trying to make the Silver Ladder into SOMETHING more prominent, effective, and substantial. All while trying to keep my relationships from disintegrating, my ability to write music from fading, my feelings of mortality from growing, to keep my own psyche in my head because every so often I find something of Sheridan's out of place with memory of how it got there. I'm becoming obsessed with making everything right.

And it's not working.

I can't figure out how to make the Open Conspiracy run on its own wheels. Eris was the closest thing to a team captain I had. I've asked others for help and it's fallen through. How can 40 people do less than the 5 people who were in the Conspiracy from a year beforehand, I don't know.

I can't find Skoll. My best chance is Black Lotus and it's shaky at best. Dead, alive, kidnapped, joined to the bad guys, demon, spirit... I don't know. I can't figure it out. I just don't know what I'm missing.

The Vox Argenti cannot continue as they have been. The suggestion to empower the Deacons and Lictors to run the Order have gone without much...response. The Senators mean well, but one of the UK members said it best to me, the Chambers should be philosophical, not political And I think he's right.

The South East High Consilium is going so much better than I thought it would. People seem willing and open to the changes that were made and I think there is a good chance that a few of the Consiliums will join us. If I can make this work, it will be a triumph and huge relief to me.

Keri is Awake. It's an amazing and scary thing to watch it happen so close to me. I knew Reilly before he Woke up. I knew Psyche before she Woke up. But I wasn't actually there 5 minutes later. I didn't see the change in their stance, the way the world looks different and new.. the infusion of Power just changes people. It's beautiful and scary and I want so much for her to adjust well and be great at her purpose. I knew it was coming I just wasn't prepared for it to happen that day.

As for preparation..Skeleton Key needs a mentor. I want to be it. I'm not sure I should be. I'm not exactly sure it's fair to start her down a road I can't finish. She's so sweet though, teen-aged and just..ready. Maybe there's still a bit of baggage in the back of my mind with Belle. Like Skeleton Key is a second chance to do something right..but I honestly feel like I can be a great mentor..if I can find it in me. I have to think on it still. Meanwhile.. Jimmy asking me to be his mentor...it's wrong. I feel it in my marrow, but I'm always hesitant to go with my gut where he's concerned because I'm always struggling with the question if I'm rejecting him because of the pain he's caused me in the past instead of what's needed for other people in the future.. I mean.. he's so frustrating and wretched sometimes, but others he can be effective if he put his mind to it and shut his mouth. It's so complicated with him I don't think I can be impartial. And a part of me wants to just tank any chance he'll ever have to join the Order because...it shouldn't happen this way. I don't know..

This trend of doubting comes to my music. I feel with a matter-of-factness that this album is my last. I'm working on retiring from the music business with a gentleness so I can shut the book on this part of my life and focus on my real art. Which is the Vox Draconis. Now with these dreams that rule my nights and the actions that move my hands during the day when I'm not noticing... something's approaching. It's freaking me out even as I wait with impatience. My dreams are not mine alone..a few others share them and even odder..when I'm around others of the Vox, I feel a homesickness within me. A sense of loss. I don't know why..but I'm eager to find out.

Obsessed much?

Definetely.

Just gotta keep going on with life, though.. one crisis at a time.